Walking the talk
After yet another sleepless night, at 4am this Thursday morning, I had a dilemma.
There was a meeting in my diary that felt important.
I pride myself on being conscientious and showing up.
Despite the disorientation and nausea that comes from a lack of sleep, I figured that I’d “probably” be okay in a few hours’ time.
And then I stopped.
Picked up my phone.
Opened my email app.
And sent a message to rearrange.
As someone who reminds others to be kind to themselves, you’d think that such a situation would be easy, wouldn’t you?
But I’m always living the truth of the quote, “We teach best what we most need to learn.”
I was asked by someone earlier this week, “Do you find it hard to do the things you know will make you feel better?”
To which I replied, “All the time.”
It’s true, I do my best.
But I’m only human.
In truth, it’s usually a little more nuanced than that. For example, I find it harder when:
Decision fatigue leaves nothing in tank to make new choices
Physical fatigue can make the effort of doing something else feel overwhelming
Emotional fatigue leaves me listlessness
Circumstances mean I can’t get the kind of rest or stimuli I crave
Perhaps you can relate?
So here are three things I’ve found helpful when I struggle to give myself what I need.
1. I remember my values
That sounds really worthy, I know, but I mean it in a more practical sense; I remember what I’ve said is important to me.
I have a Post-it note with my values, and one of them is “self-care”. It’s a little reminder that I’ve already made the decision to look after myself, even if I’m really struggling to know what that looks like or to even make a decision.
Past me has already found the North Star to navigate by. I’ve just got to trust Past Anya.
2. I’ve already framed expectations
It’s easy to have the thought that “It sucks to let people know that I’m chronically ill” and that I might need to reschedule things at short notice.
It can feel vulnerable.
And yet, it’s become one of my superpowers.
By being upfront about my limitations, I pave the way to show up as my authentic self. I also give permission through my example for others to tune into their needs and request adjustments.
Plus, I suspect that if someone has a problem with my need to prioritise my health, we’re probably not a good fit.
3. I want to model what I believe in
You know that voice in your head that tells you that you should do more, that you’re making a fuss, that you shouldn’t let other people down?
Spoiler alert: I have it, too.
AND I know that voice now.
More often than not I catch when I’m having negative thoughts about myself and am “feeling my thinking” (responding emotionally to the thoughts in my head, which are thoughts, remember, not facts).
If I’d pushed myself to show up while encouraging others to look after themselves... well, there would have been a lack of integrity – a lack of integration of what I believe into how I behave.
And this can trigger an unconscious sense of “unsafeness” for those I’m with, a potential reawakening of that confusing childhood experience when a parent implicitly showed or explicitly said that a child should “do as I say, not as I do”.
Frankly, no-one needs that in their life.
Which kinda takes me to this blog post.
Since November 2018, I’ve written a blog post every month (bar one). I’ve also ended up writing it later and later each month, to the point where I genuinely wondered if I should just hold onto this and publish it at the start of May!
I’m proud of myself for consistently showing up for over 6 years, and I’m glad that I’ve prioritised my health over getting this out in a timely manner that only I may care about! But I feel like it’s time for a reset of some kind.
While I’m not sure exactly what that looks like, I hope that it will return to at least the first week of the month.
(Unless I don’t sleep that week, of course...!)
Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-drinking-coffee-while-reading-book-6135193/
